Belles, bells & other stuff!

Well today I was back at it after a two week hiatus.  Ughhh!!!  Again.  Push ups.  Bra.  What more can I say?  But my pre-pushups was interesting?  We have some very good looking ladies at the gym – probably some good looking guys too but I’ll leave that up to you ladies to notice, thank you.  Anyway, being a typical male I have had my head turned suddenly by these lovelies on occasion, leaving me with some spastic revolutions in my neck that I could do without.  Anyway, this morning I am warming up with twenty minutes (YES, 20 minutes without passing out!!!) on the treadmill.  Got my iPod buds in & I’m rockin’ out to Allanah Myles’ “Kick Start My Heart”.  Around the corner comes a regular, but today she is sportin’ a brand new outfit.  And what an outfit it was.  She has curves in all the right places, but now she has really nice curves in all the right places, accentuated by a colourful workout wardrobe.  As she waltzes on by of course my eyes follow her and of course I turn somewhat on the speeding treadmill, which causes my foot to hook on the side rail, throwing everything into a total uproar and in an unholy heap I am flung from the treadmill and into the nearby steel pillar.  I am unsure if the pillar is actually still ringing or if it is my head, but I can still hear bells pealing.  Fortunately the lovely lady I was oogling didn’t see me, but the lovely lady on the treadmill next to me was laughing uproariously, causing me some embarrassment.  That was quickly alleviated however when she said to me that she had barely missed doing exactly the same thing because really, the woman was quite stunning.  With my ego somewhat assuaged I went on to do my pushups and other forms of physical torture for the morning.  I hope I don’t get a bill for the pillar.  The place is under construction anyway eh?

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Holy Crap!!!

Well we’re at a full month of ‘gettin’ in shape’ now.  You’d think that it would be gettin’ easier, but nooooo siree Mr. Whalen.  It’s no easier and I still have the shape of pear.  A bit more muscular pear.  A sometimes smilin’ pear, but still a pear.  Gotta work on the diet part of this.   Well today was leg day … again.  Now I went into this thinkin’ my legs are good and strong – they won’t be able to torture those too much.  WRONGO!  First we do lunges.  I thought lunges were for horses?  My gawd – you lunge forward & drop into a front knee bend.  With your fingertips against the side of your great fat cranium you twist, first one way & then the other.  You lunge … all the way across the room.  Then for good measure, you lunge back again.  Then it’s squats – but just so your thighs are parallel to the floor.  Then up.  But wait – that’s just too easy.  Here, hold a 2000 lbs weight to your chest while you do that.  Well it starts out as a 10 pounder but by the time you’re half way through that sumbeetch weighs in at a solid long ton.  Oh, but wait, we’re not done yet, nosireee Mr. Whalen.  We do three sets of each of the above two mentioned exercises.  I’m starting to remember why I hated my gym teacher (besides the fact that he made me do a million pushups when I drilled his can through his pelvis with a lacrosse ball may have had some bearing on that sentiment, but …!).  Once you’ve completed the three sets, which takes about 90 minutes (which isn’t bad considering the Personal Training time is only 30 minutes), then it’s on to step ups on to a weight bench, followed by some side slides while your feet are restrained by the same bungee cords used to allow elephants to bungee jump.  At this stage of the regimen it’s kind of like that extra drink that you know you shouldn’t have because now you’re going to spend the rest of the night cuddling the toilet bowl instead of the cute chick with the short skirt & fuzzy sweater with nice bumps in it.   Once my 30 or 60 or 1,000 minutes was up, and I was able to waddle out the door, today I had to walk all the way home.  Why?  Because my truck is in getting the tires changed out to the winter ones (thank you good folks at Integra Tire) – this is so depressing!!!   Back to the trip home.  It was fresh out this morning & I felt that might helpt to revive me on my walk home.  Here we go, one foot dragged in front of the other, thighs screaming like Ned Beatty in the notorious scene from Deliverance.  Suddenly I look …, no, I discover – much to my dismay (read ‘disdain’, ‘chagrin’ … hell anything negative here), that the City has closed the only sidewalk.  They’ve closed the entire freakin’ sidewalk between the gym & my house, simply so they can have one piece of equipment sitting, not running, on the sidewalk, beside the dozen or so workers, one of whom is working in a box in a hole in the ground twenty feet off of the sidewalk while the others lean on their shovels & giggle about having closed the entire sidwalk I am sure.  And the equipment – something like truck mounted Electrolux, while running, isn’t doing a damned thing.  So I do the drunk chicken shuffle across the road and there, by golly, is a bicycle lane – no sidewalk, but a for real bicycle lane (& please don’t get me started on those damnable things).  So I walk in it (well I guess is was really more of a ‘slough foot shuffle’).  While I’m rolling merrily along, with dirges about slaves and chain gangs rollicking through my cranium, a Sherriff’s vehicle pulls up beside me.  I’m thinkin’ “Great! One of my friends from the police has spotted me & are going to offer me a ride home”.  WRONG!  Wrong, wrong, wrongl, wrong so wrong Mr. Whalen.  “Sir, this is a bicycle lane.  You’ll have to use the sidewalk!”  I raised my dull, fatique hooded eyes, looked at him & said “Why don’t you turn around, have a look Mr. Observant, and tell me just where else I’m supposed to walk?”  I think it was one of those rare occasions when common sense took over from training & he realized that sometimes you just have to overlook the rule book.  Without another word he got back in his cruiser and left.  I resumed my ‘old drunk guy shuffle’.  Sometime in the early afternoon I topped the 300 M hill that goes up to our house and stumbled into our humble abode.  Even the lady from the alarm company didn’t argue with me when I explained to her over their “TWO WAY VOICE ALARM” (use the deep voice from Alarm Force in your head for that one) that I couldn’t reach the damn key pad because my legs had fallen off & I was muscling my way around the house on the cheeks of my arse.  I think I detected a snicker in her voice, but she let it go.  Tomorrow, it’s the “core” again.  I think my PT is going to get the core of a rock upside his head!.  G’night all.

Thanksgiving & cause for Thanx.

I was laying in bed at 6:00 this morning, after spending the weekend climbing arena rails at the FCA Finals, avoiding kickin’, snortin’ & snottin’ broncs and bulls, thinking that I really don’t want to drag my sorry pained ass out of bed this holiday Monday to go to the gym for 08:30.  My alarm is set for 07:00.  At 06:48 my cell phone rings.  Since all friends & family know that if you call me at that ridiculous hour it had better be an emergency, I was awakened & alarmed.  So in my usual “this had better be damned important” voice, I answered my phone.  It was Tyler (my replacement trainer)“Oh crap” thinks I “I’ve slept in.”  I look at my alarm clock.  “Nope.  I’m good there.”  Tyler has called to tell me that he arrived at the gym this a.m. with pinkeye.  “Pinkeye”  thinks I, “isn’t that something that little wee girls get when they break into their moms makeup?”  But he wants to re-schedule – bless his heart.  I do.  He does.  It is truly a cause to be thankful!  And I am.  Now, about tomorrow morning … hmmm!

yesterday. today. tomorrow.

I can’t say that I really understand this yearning to not die – to get fit & healthy.  I can only put it down to becoming more aware of my own mortality as I approach the big six oh.  But OMG (don’t you just hate that one), does it have to be so hard?  I moved my Monday appointment (cardio day) to Tuesday, because I was off having tonnes of fun with family, singing, laughing & of course lots of wonderful food.  So Tuesday was cardio day – or as they affectionately refer ‘core day’!  I think they like to work you so that when you are face down in the toilette recycling your breakfast, you are so aware of your ‘inner self’ that you actually pinch off your throat ’cause you can feel your sphincter starting to move upward.  Plus there’s crunches – a million of them – my stomach should be like my hardwood floor, shiny & flat – not this molten slag that slops around when I move!   THEN, 24 hours later it’s ‘upper body’ day!  Let’s start with balancing your sorry ass over 1/3 of a ball that gives you a platform narrower than your shoulders on which to perform these horrible, horrible exercises.  While I didn’t decline to do the push ups (much to my chagrin) I did refuse to use that silly platform & just embarrassed myself on the floor.  Three sets of twelve!  Well I digress to my earlier musings about useless appendages for days following.  They really do become so useless that it takes you twice as long to shower, change, brush your teeth.  I’m thinking of modifying one of those robo floor vacuums into a personal valet – maybe I’ll call on the Big Bang boys?  Although in real life apparently Miss Penny is closer to a doctorate than any of the other characters.   Well today was ‘lower body’!  Why don’t they just say it?  “Today we’re going to give you leg cramps.  We’ll start in your calves & graduate to your thighs.  And if you’re still upright after that we’ll see if we can get you to projectile vomit.”  All I want right now if the peaceful bliss of either sleep or death.  I have to work a rodeo tonight – I get into the arena with the bulls & broncs & try not to get run over.  I am afraid that the way all my muscles feel right now they just may revolt on me at a crucial moment – like when there’s 2,000 lbs of cranky Brahma snapping around the arena, & I’ll drop underneath him like Romeo swooning over Juliet.  I hope they have good paramedics on tonight!  I’ll let y’all know how it goes!  Have a great day & a grand Thanksgiving weekend.  Take a moment to think of all you have to be thankful for.  I am grateful to have enough health to engage in this torture & then amuse you with my ramblings.  Thank you for listening.

Push Ups

Push ups!  Is there a more cruel punishment that does not involve whips, chains or other instruments of torture?  Lay face down on the floor then lift your entire body weight to full extension on two sticks that already feel like they’ve been tenderized with a hammer.  Then lower (read ‘drop’) yourself so that your schnoz is mashed into the mat, cutting off your air supply until you find the strength to raise yourself enough for a fresh breath before you pass out!  Honestly people, the only good push up is a bra, and that’s only hearsay from a comfort perspective.  Visually it can be quite enticing …, oops – shiny things!  I digress, was it some psychotic phys ed teacher that dreamed this one up (the exercise guys, not the bra – we already know who is responsible for that)?  Push ups should join the ranks of the electric chair, or hanging.  They have no place in modern society.  I’m off to another torture session this morning so I can see how many more muscles I can abuse that I never even knew that I had.  I think today is ‘core’ day.  Isn’t the core of something that part that is good and stable and should never be messed with, never mind rude things like crunches or the other myriad of contortions to which it is subjected?  Pray for me please.  Good day all!