Holy Crap!!!

Well we’re at a full month of ‘gettin’ in shape’ now.  You’d think that it would be gettin’ easier, but nooooo siree Mr. Whalen.  It’s no easier and I still have the shape of pear.  A bit more muscular pear.  A sometimes smilin’ pear, but still a pear.  Gotta work on the diet part of this.   Well today was leg day … again.  Now I went into this thinkin’ my legs are good and strong – they won’t be able to torture those too much.  WRONGO!  First we do lunges.  I thought lunges were for horses?  My gawd – you lunge forward & drop into a front knee bend.  With your fingertips against the side of your great fat cranium you twist, first one way & then the other.  You lunge … all the way across the room.  Then for good measure, you lunge back again.  Then it’s squats – but just so your thighs are parallel to the floor.  Then up.  But wait – that’s just too easy.  Here, hold a 2000 lbs weight to your chest while you do that.  Well it starts out as a 10 pounder but by the time you’re half way through that sumbeetch weighs in at a solid long ton.  Oh, but wait, we’re not done yet, nosireee Mr. Whalen.  We do three sets of each of the above two mentioned exercises.  I’m starting to remember why I hated my gym teacher (besides the fact that he made me do a million pushups when I drilled his can through his pelvis with a lacrosse ball may have had some bearing on that sentiment, but …!).  Once you’ve completed the three sets, which takes about 90 minutes (which isn’t bad considering the Personal Training time is only 30 minutes), then it’s on to step ups on to a weight bench, followed by some side slides while your feet are restrained by the same bungee cords used to allow elephants to bungee jump.  At this stage of the regimen it’s kind of like that extra drink that you know you shouldn’t have because now you’re going to spend the rest of the night cuddling the toilet bowl instead of the cute chick with the short skirt & fuzzy sweater with nice bumps in it.   Once my 30 or 60 or 1,000 minutes was up, and I was able to waddle out the door, today I had to walk all the way home.  Why?  Because my truck is in getting the tires changed out to the winter ones (thank you good folks at Integra Tire) – this is so depressing!!!   Back to the trip home.  It was fresh out this morning & I felt that might helpt to revive me on my walk home.  Here we go, one foot dragged in front of the other, thighs screaming like Ned Beatty in the notorious scene from Deliverance.  Suddenly I look …, no, I discover – much to my dismay (read ‘disdain’, ‘chagrin’ … hell anything negative here), that the City has closed the only sidewalk.  They’ve closed the entire freakin’ sidewalk between the gym & my house, simply so they can have one piece of equipment sitting, not running, on the sidewalk, beside the dozen or so workers, one of whom is working in a box in a hole in the ground twenty feet off of the sidewalk while the others lean on their shovels & giggle about having closed the entire sidwalk I am sure.  And the equipment – something like truck mounted Electrolux, while running, isn’t doing a damned thing.  So I do the drunk chicken shuffle across the road and there, by golly, is a bicycle lane – no sidewalk, but a for real bicycle lane (& please don’t get me started on those damnable things).  So I walk in it (well I guess is was really more of a ‘slough foot shuffle’).  While I’m rolling merrily along, with dirges about slaves and chain gangs rollicking through my cranium, a Sherriff’s vehicle pulls up beside me.  I’m thinkin’ “Great! One of my friends from the police has spotted me & are going to offer me a ride home”.  WRONG!  Wrong, wrong, wrongl, wrong so wrong Mr. Whalen.  “Sir, this is a bicycle lane.  You’ll have to use the sidewalk!”  I raised my dull, fatique hooded eyes, looked at him & said “Why don’t you turn around, have a look Mr. Observant, and tell me just where else I’m supposed to walk?”  I think it was one of those rare occasions when common sense took over from training & he realized that sometimes you just have to overlook the rule book.  Without another word he got back in his cruiser and left.  I resumed my ‘old drunk guy shuffle’.  Sometime in the early afternoon I topped the 300 M hill that goes up to our house and stumbled into our humble abode.  Even the lady from the alarm company didn’t argue with me when I explained to her over their “TWO WAY VOICE ALARM” (use the deep voice from Alarm Force in your head for that one) that I couldn’t reach the damn key pad because my legs had fallen off & I was muscling my way around the house on the cheeks of my arse.  I think I detected a snicker in her voice, but she let it go.  Tomorrow, it’s the “core” again.  I think my PT is going to get the core of a rock upside his head!.  G’night all.

2 comments on “Holy Crap!!!

  1. Lorna says:

    Wow Don! Good for you for sticking with it! Please keep the updates coming. You are hilarious!

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