Me & Lance Armstrong

Well I think I’ve finally got a handle on this ‘get fit’ business. Yeah, I am a slow learner, but better slow than not at all. My biggest problem in the ‘workout’ business has been my breathing. At times I would take longer to recover my breath than it would take to actually do the exercise that bagged the hell outta me. So part of my annual physical was some pulmonary testing. This sweet young lady stuck me in this sealed glass enclosure, told me to take some deep breaths & promptly locked out all the air, then she sat there & smiled until I turned blue & my eyes were bugging out. Oh blessed sweet Jesus when she opened that air lock, I sucked air allaway down to my toes. I don’t know of anything that is sweeter than a breath when you ain’t had none for 15 or 20 hours – well it seemed that long anyway! What a sweet young thang she wuz when she clicked that li’l ol’ button! Anyway, once she stopped giggling she informed me found that I was losing about 10% of my lung capacity when my lower ventricles would close up – THAT’S VENTRICLES EH! – HIGHER UP THE BODY!!! Anyway, they prescribed some Ventolin that I was to take before I started working out. That didn’t seem to do a whole lot & then I remembered that I also take some Aerius for my allergies & hay fever. What the hell eh – if Lance can do it, well so can I. I know, I shouldn’t pick on Lance now that he’s down & out. I still believe though, his accomplishments far exceed his shortcomings. His 11-year-old child humbled him. Anyway, presto, now I can actually make the entire 30 minutes without staggering from dizziness or needing to imitate Peg Bundy’s walk to hit the head to hurl. And while my BMI is getting down nicely, it’s doing so at the expense of everything except my stomach. That, while it’s not getting any bigger, it is not getting any smaller either. Ah well, baby steps. Maybe drug induced baby steps, but if Lance can do it, eh? Who am I to criticize success?

Winter, Wii Fit & Mii

It’s -21 Celsius (or for my American friends to the south – that freakin’ cold) today. My workout was scheduled for 12:00 noon. I like to arrive a half hour early & sort of give myself some torture before Rich works me over. Call me a masochist, I dunno. Anyways, I fire up my truck to warm up & low & behold it won’t start. Too many short hauls around the City of late to adequately charge the batteries, which on a diesel, uses alot of cranking power. But no go. So I drag out the old battery charger/booster & get it all hooked up & still no go. Got to leave it to accumulate some ohms or whatever the hell it is that they accumulate to make my truck start. Too late to get to the gym by the time I get done all this buggerin’ about so I dutifully call my girl of the handgun (she doesn’t like the name “Snuff Queen”) & let her know I won’t be in today – I think I detected a sign of relief there? But I really need to work out – I don’t want any backward sliding. EPIFANY! We have a Wii & I know we have the Wii Fit disc. Now if I can figure out how to run it. Drag out the pink foot pad thingy. Had to change the batteries on that, then on the Potter’s wizard wand as well. A few toys around here won’t be working for a bit yet. Well I get it running. Up come the characters. I see the one that I was “assigned” by my girlz a couple of years back so I dutifully select my character. Once “Howard” is loaded I am informed by the little Wii Snot Genie that it has been a very long time since I’ve visited – “Would you like to see what shape your in?” Idiot – I did it. It’s not bad enough that the kidz at the gym look at me a little weird, but now I’ve got the Wii Snot saying things like “Oh, you’re overweight” or “You need to work on getting your body mass index down”. I’d sure like to see how skinny that little snot is? Well I got through that & dropped three pounds by taking off shoes, socks, jeans (including belt & buckle). So here I am in my skivvies & a shirt. Windows are closed so no neighbours are looking in. Linda’s at work. Yes! I can do this. So for 60 minutes I do all sorts of inanities to the tune of the Wii Widgets with a bunch of other Mii’s who have all the personality of a bowl of tofu. BUT, don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t really get a good workout with a Wii. Not that I’m gonna give up the gym – at least they don’t have the Wii Snot Genie there. She kills me. When I step on the board she lets out a little “Ooh” squeak, like I’d snuck up behind her and …, oh never mind. Just know it’s really annoying. But I’m afraid I’ve fallen in love with the Yoga instructer. She always tells me that I have great balance, and never says a thing about how hairy I am, but I don’t really think that’s gonna count for too much in her “I’d go out with that hairy fat old bugger” life choice book. Anyway, the truck is now started & I must go get & the make a nice dinner for my Wii Bride. And that’s all folks!!!

The New Year (aka This Really Sucks).

If you join a gym that is closed for more than 2 consecutive days, reconsider your choice. Mine closed from Saturday the 23rd through to the 26th, then had skeleton staff on for the next few days, then closed again from Saturday the 29th right through to Wednesday the 3rd. So I booked a workout yesterday & went for my usual Friday routine. Holy moly crapoly – what a mistake that was. I’m right back to square one! My legs have the range of motion of Peg Bundy in a tight skirt & spikes. Honest, I actually wince (NOT mince) when I walk. Please just shoot me! Then today was “Upper Body” (said with the deep basso of James Earl Jones in a long deep well). I had a nice breakfast two hours before. Well I made it to minute 22 before my stomach said “Just what in hell do you think you’re doing? I’m trying to digest down here. Now you’ve gone & messed it all up with your damned exercises. So here – have it back. I can’t work like this.” Fortunately my Peg Bundy legs were able to move quickly to the change rooms where the pressure was alleviated. Enough for this week. Bless weekends – but I suppose I should workout some away from the gym so I can at least put in a reasonable performance next week. I made a business offer to the girl at the front desk. For a small ‘cleanup fee’ & of course the price of the bullet & a profit margin, she could just shoot us at the end of our workout. She said “well what’s in it for you?” I said “I would have the privilege of being your first customer, and I know you could get rich off this. I don’t know how your boss will take to you knocking off his clients, but hey, it’s all about customer satisfaction.” Happy 2013 everyone.