Me & Lance Armstrong

Well I think I’ve finally got a handle on this ‘get fit’ business. Yeah, I am a slow learner, but better slow than not at all. My biggest problem in the ‘workout’ business has been my breathing. At times I would take longer to recover my breath than it would take to actually do the exercise that bagged the hell outta me. So part of my annual physical was some pulmonary testing. This sweet young lady stuck me in this sealed glass enclosure, told me to take some deep breaths & promptly locked out all the air, then she sat there & smiled until I turned blue & my eyes were bugging out. Oh blessed sweet Jesus when she opened that air lock, I sucked air allaway down to my toes. I don’t know of anything that is sweeter than a breath when you ain’t had none for 15 or 20 hours – well it seemed that long anyway! What a sweet young thang she wuz when she clicked that li’l ol’ button! Anyway, once she stopped giggling she informed me found that I was losing about 10% of my lung capacity when my lower ventricles would close up – THAT’S VENTRICLES EH! – HIGHER UP THE BODY!!! Anyway, they prescribed some Ventolin that I was to take before I started working out. That didn’t seem to do a whole lot & then I remembered that I also take some Aerius for my allergies & hay fever. What the hell eh – if Lance can do it, well so can I. I know, I shouldn’t pick on Lance now that he’s down & out. I still believe though, his accomplishments far exceed his shortcomings. His 11-year-old child humbled him. Anyway, presto, now I can actually make the entire 30 minutes without staggering from dizziness or needing to imitate Peg Bundy’s walk to hit the head to hurl. And while my BMI is getting down nicely, it’s doing so at the expense of everything except my stomach. That, while it’s not getting any bigger, it is not getting any smaller either. Ah well, baby steps. Maybe drug induced baby steps, but if Lance can do it, eh? Who am I to criticize success?

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